AL & MARGARET
Words by Eddie Pepitone

AL: My name is Al

MARGARET: My name is Margaret

EDDIE: They’re a couple that live inside my head
Al & Margaret!

AL: Margaret?

MARGARET: I’m right here Al!

AL: Margaret is my baby. We live in New Hampshire somewhere

MARGARET: No we don’t AL we live in this guy’s head.

AL: Come on Margaret you know we have a house in New Hampshire

MARGARET: AL! We’re figments of this gentleman’s imagination!

AL: BULLSHIT MARGARET! We have a real relationship.

MARGARET: AL! You know that we are just a figment of Eddie Pepitone’s mind.

AL: Don’t bullshit me. You’re real Margaret.

MARGARET: YEAH! But listen. I sound just like you! (Except higher pitch)

AL: Come on! We have two children. We live in New Hampshire.

MARGARET: AL! We are just one person inside this guy’s head

AL: NO! No. No. No, Margaret.

MARGARET: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, AL.

AL: NO! No. No. No, Margaret.

MARGARET: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, AL.

AL: No Margaret, Tell me it aint so! Tell me you’re real!

MARGARET: OH AL. I love you but we’re just two different parts of Eddie!

AL: Don’t Tell me that baby. You’re my baby!
You’re my Maggie!
I had a dream, where you were wearing something skimpy!

MARGARET: OH AL!

AL: If you were just a figment of Eddie Pepitone, would you have such a Nice Ass?!!?!

MARGARET: Ooooooh God! AL! Thank you!

AL: I think you’re the bees knees

MARGARET: Oh Al, I love when you use dated references.

AL: I think you’re crazier than me!
Oh Margaret! I wanna get electro-shock therapy with you!

MARGARET: Oh Al! I love it when you talk about the mental institution.

AL: Don’t go Shutter Island on me Margaret!
Don’t go Shutter Island on me Margaret!

MARGARET: That was a pretty good movie!

AL: Hey Margaret you are not just half of Eddie Pepitone’s duo that lives inside his head. You’re my baby. We met in high school in New Hampshire.

MARGARET: No we didn’t AL! I don’t even know where New Hampshire is!

AL: Why do you always challenge my reality?
Why do you always challenge my version of the truth?

MARGARET: Because you live in a fantasy AL
you live in a fantasy AL
Eddie is a schizophrenic and and we are both sides of his schizophrenia!

AL: Oh! Margaret you’re a liar.

MARGARET: I am not!

AL: Yes you are!

MARGARET: I am not!

AL: Margaret we have a brick house in New Hampshire. Both our children are hot doctors.
Hot Doctors.
Hot Doctors.
Hot Doctors.

MARGARET: Al, you’re fuckin crazy!
You are just a voice.
A disembodied voice of Eddie Pepitone

AL: No I’m not! I am married to you.
You have a scar on your upper thigh.

MARGARET: I DON’T HAVE A THIGH!!

AL: You have a scar on your cheek.

MARGARET: I am a voice. I don’t exist except inside Eddie’s HEAD!

AL: I love it when you scream Margaret! You’re the best wife a disembodied voice could have,
You’re the best wife a disembodied voice could have,
If you’re unreal…if you’re just a fantasy, I’m still happy with you!

MARGARET: Let’s just live in this fantasy. I mean we don’t have to pay taxes in this world!

AL: I don’t pay taxes. Because I’m a fantasy.

MARGARET: Yaaaay!! We have two hot children! They’re hot doctors right Al?

AL: That’s right baby!

MARGARET: Hey Al! Let’s make love tonight!

AL: I’ll tell ya somethin’ Margaret. For a disembodied voice, you are one little hot vixen!

MARGARET: Oh AL!
I think I’m gonna go freshen up. What are you gonna do?

EDDIE: I’M GONNA GO CRAZY!!!
I’M GONNA GO CRAZY!!!
I know there’s no one named Al & Margaret.
Al & Margaret are creations of mine, that I use to avoid, the reality of this harsh world.
This harsh, harsh world I’ve created two people to live in.
There’s no healthcare for people.
There’s no real employment.
There’s violence all over the world.
We are ruled by greed.
So, I’ve created two people that live inside of me.
They buffer me from a little thing called reality.
They buffer me from a little thing called reality.

MARGARET: Don’t let him say that we’re not alive!

AL: That’s right! We ARE alive Margaret!

MARGARET: Don’t let him say that were just two things he created to avoid reality!

AL: BABY! I’m tryin’a tell you! We are individuals. I mean we gotta convince this guy that we’re real! He thinks we’re just figments!!

MARGARET: OH AL! Let’s just run away together before he gets treatment!

AL: Margaret! Start the car!
Lets get the fuck out of here before he goes to the psychiatric hospital and gets electric shock

MARGARET: Oh AL! Touch me! Touch Me!!!

(Electro shock electricity noise is heard and song is over)